(via Shrub.com)

This is an excellent post that breaks down how entitlement causes otherwise well-meaning men to become That Guy - the guy who believes in feminism but can’t understand how his own behavior contradicts that belief. Synecdochic organizes her analysis into six main parts: Entitlement I (women owe me conversation/affection/romance/etc.), Entitlement II (once a woman gets to know me, she’ll see that I’m awesome, so my main objective is to befriend her no matter how much she resists), Cajoling (no means maybe, or “if you give a mouse a cookie…”), Patronization (wait’ll she sees how smart I am), Dismissal (that doesn’t make sense to me; therefore, it must not be true), and Co-Opting the Argument (I was discriminated against once too, and that’s the REAL issue!).

My parenthetical descriptions are pretty snarky, it’s true, but I can honestly say that most men in my life have done at least a couple of these things, even if unconsciously. So men, please - if you care about not pissing off the women you know or would like to know, read the whole thing. Here’s my favorite bit:

…chances are, you — the guy reading this — read that sentence and said to yourself, “what do you mean, women think I don’t understand that no means no?” Because you’ve been told it over and over again, and you think you’ve got that basic concept pretty down. And you probably do, right now. But when you’re in the middle of something, when your emotions (and other things) are aroused, it’s your natural inclination to try to talk someone out of that no, because it is basic human nature to try to talk people into doing what you want them to do. And — particularly when it comes to sexual matters — that’s where the point of becoming That Guy lies.

Yes, you have to be more careful about not doing that than a woman might be. That’s because you carry the privilege in this situation. Because — okay, let’s take a potential transaction here. Let’s assume You and She are at a con, and happen to be standing next to each other in line or something. Let’s take it from your point of view:

You: [thinking: she looks stressed and tired and tense, I'd like to increase happiness in the world around me and do a good deed] Hey, wanna backrub?

Her: [speaking very sharply] No. I have to be somewhere else right now.

You: [thinking: ...wow, that was really kind of rude, I was just trying to be friendly.] Are you sure? Really, you look stressed, I’m happy to –

Her: [walks away, quickly]

Whereas the reality is, to her that might look really different:

Her: [thinking: oh God I'm tired and stressed and I don't want to deal with anybody in the world right now and oh God this guy next to me is in my space and I don't know what he's going to want]

You: Hey, wanna backrub?

Her: [instant wham of thoughts: what does he want, what is he suggesting, if I consent to accepting this and being touched what else is he going to try to talk me into, dammit, I said no and I am sick and fucking tired of having to say it sixteen times before it fucking sinks in and I so do not want to deal with this fucking shit right now because I do not have the energy to fight off yet another creepy guy hitting on me, I need to just get the fuck out of here] No. I have to be somewhere else right now.

You: Are you sure? Really, you look stressed, I’m happy to –

Her: [thinking: How many fucking times do I have to say it? Dammit, I just dealt with this shit ten minutes ago and I don't want to argue with another fucking horny jackass who's just doing this to try to get into my pants. I'd better get out of here before he starts pulling that "I'm doing this for your own good" crap even more.]

Would you believe that the very morning I read this, I had a similar encounter? I asked a guy at a neighboring table in the coffee shop to watch my things while I went to the restroom, and later, he asked me to do the same. When he came back, he made an extended joke about his notebook still being there, and I tensed up, thinking, “Fuck, is he just being nice or is he hitting on me? Did he think that by asking him to watch my stuff, I was flirting? Why can’t I just ask someone to watch my stuff? Does he now think that I’m fair game?” Sure enough, a few minutes later, he asked me what I was working on - without bothering to say “Excuse me,” or acknowledging in any way that I was busy. Because he felt entitled to my attention, which I owed him because I’d initiated contact. See how that works?

He was probably a decent guy, too. But he was That Guy.

Other things I hate:
- being told to smile
- hearing a stranger’s sob story about his ex-girlfriend, I guess because I look like the “nurturing type”
- being cuddled by a guy I met ten minutes ago
- being hit on by men 20 years my senior
- starting a conversation and then sitting through a twenty-minute monologue
- listening to a male friend talk about how whiny/screechy/annoying/bratty/slutty another woman is, although don’t worry, I’m totally cool

Get the idea?

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